I'm sick of the negotiating, the fighting and the overall contention in the home. I had heard these strategies before, but starting in FHE (family home evening) next week, here are some changes we will begin to implement. Wish us luck--we are going to need it. If you want the whole article, go
HERE:
Fun For Everyone: Getting Started
Here is the basic idea: For a family to function well, having fun together needs to be the norm. That is the baseline. I could write a book about this, but for now, trust me. You can have a family that is mostly fun. If you settle for anything less, that is what you will get.
Make these strategies into a game. Practice them ahead of time if you can. Have your children deliberately misbehave and then do Game Over or Three Strikes You’re Out or Foul on the Play. Practice holding up your “Not Now, Wait a Minute” finger. See how quickly they can stop talking. It should be fun.
Answer all their questions while practicing. No more questions or warnings will be allowed once the practice is over. Assure your children that they are smart cookies and they will figure it all out. Note: If you find yourself giving a warning, say “Strike One” about yourself. The consequence you give yourself is none of your children’s business.
Reboot Time in Their Rooms
Tell your children the truth. Their brains need time to process all they are learning. Sometimes when their brains aren’t working well, they just need some time in their rooms by themselves to give their brains a chance to reboot into their gracious, happy selves.
Note: Practicing a Foul on the Play strategy for dealing with sibling disruptions is going to be great fun. You get to let your child know you are onto his tricks. The practicing might look like this: “So, Susie, how would you upset your little brother if you were playing with beads together?” She knows. She might be embarrassed to do it when asked. If that happens you can say, “Well, here is what I’ve seen you do.” and then do it.
This practicing helps the little one learn how to not let his older sister get his goat. He is given an alternative to whining and screaming.
Game Over
When your children are making family life no fun, simply say, “I’m not having fun.” That is the only warning they get. If they don’t immediately, with no negotiating, get back into graciousness, then you say, “Game over.” You pick up the game literally if they are playing one, or leave the room, or drive home from your outing — whatever it takes. You will not have to do this very many times to build your credibility.
Credibility is everything. Once you have it, all your interactions get much, much easier. You have to bite the bullet a few times and be willing to be perceived as the Bad Guy, but this is a very small price to pay when your family’s emotional and physical health is at stake.
Foul on the Play
This is for siblings. As we all know, siblings can be experts at poking a stick in the bicycle wheel and toppling the bike. When you see this say, “Foul on the Play.” Then start counting to ten. The child who has committed the foul must do something immediately to make things right. If they argue, then it’s Game Over for them. They go to their room until they are ready to come out and be gracious. They can read or play with games in their room, but any escalation, such as yelling or screaming or throwing things, will get them a “Strike One.”
Note: It might be fun to have flags you can throw. Perhaps the children could be allowed to throw a Flag on the Play if they can articulate why they are throwing the flag without whining. This would be very empowering.
Three Strikes and You’re Out
Children these days have lots of fun activities scheduled. Adults need to remember that all these fun activities are extras and only happen when children are respectful and responsible. School and school work is their job. Other than that, it’s all gravy. If a child gets three strikes in one day, the next fun thing is out the window. Birthday party, even one you are throwing, is out. I’m not kidding. Cancel a kid’s birthday party? Won’t that scar them for life? Won’t they be disappointed?
Yes, they will be disappointed and you will be giving them a chance to practice being disappointed and getting over it. This is drug and alcohol abuse prevention work. Trust me on this.
They will be disappointed and you will gain enormous credibility. Following through on consequences will be harder on you than it is on them; they will make sure of that.
Not Now. Wait a Minute.
If we allow our children to interrupt adult conversation, we are letting them have too much power. It is a very bad habit. Instead of doing a lot of talking, explaining yet again why they need to wait before interrupting, which means they have succeeded in interrupting, we need to take immediate, silent action that does not disrupt your conversation.
When your child comes to talk to you when you are talking simply hold up one finger.
That lets them know you have heard them and will attend to them when you can. If they keep talking hold up two fingers, that means “Strike one.”
If you get to three fingers, tell whomever you are talking to that you have a family situation you need to attend to.
Then get your kid in his room. In order to rejoin the family, they need to come out with a gracious attitude and do one family job on the list. (Remember you have made a list of age appropriate family jobs your children can do to repay the family for the energy their actions have taken from family harmony. ) It’s a little like “Instant Karma.”
Sample Scenario
If you have told your children about the new game in town and practiced, then these scenarios will have to be played out at some time. Your children will not give up their bad habits without a fight and that is good. Their feistiness will serve them well as adults. Right now they need to learn to be respectful, cooperative, and be at peace when they don’t get what they want.
Scenario: “What would you like for breakfast, Susie?” Note: Make sure your darling knows how to make her own healthy breakfast. This is the Plan Ahead part. What are you? Some kind of short-order cook who takes abuse from her customers? No way! You cook for people who appreciate and make requests graciously.
Susie: “I don’t want any of your crummy oatmeal.”
Adult: “Strike one.”
Susie: “That’s not fair!”
Adult: “Strike two.” (Parent shuts up. This is the hard part.)
Susie: “I hate you. You never make it any fun.”
Adult: “Game over. Go to your room and reboot.” Parent eats her own breakfast or goes somewhere, perhaps to have a bubble bath.
If the child continues to up the ante, say, “Oh. You must be very tired to be acting like this. You need a good long rest in your room.” Put them in their room, give them a book, kiss them sweetly, and get out. No matter what they say do not respond.
Note: You may have to put a lock on their door if they refuse to stay in their room and come out and get whining and demanding again. If this happens, then the choice over whether their door is locked or not is theirs. If they stay in their room, you will not have to lock the door. If they come out, you will have to lock their door.
Be prepared for a giant fit. They may even break their toys. Fine. Do not replace them. This will happen once or twice and then you will be done with it. You have to be the alpha dog.
You must have a bottom line. There must be a line your children cannot cross. If you are unwilling to draw a line, your children will be able to wag the dog and run the show because they know you are unwilling to live with the consequences that seem to cause them distress.
If you can’t bear it now, you will have much more to bear in the future, and it will not be pretty.
Being a parent exposes all our weak spots.
That’s good. We must be willing to admit our weaknesses and take action to be stronger. I’ve included three resources that are marvelous. Feeling guilty will help no one. Admit any bad habits you have and then go to work on them. Yahoo!
